Catholics eh?

It’s the frocks…

Pope Francis has admitted to the existence of a ‘gay cabal’ in the Vatican.

Pardon my advanced human thinking, but when I read that I laughed so hard I got a snot bubble. Ha! I just looked at it again and the same thing happened… hold on while I mop that up. Catholics eh?

So, the first notion we have to deal with here is ‘gay’. Exactly how is it that someone can be celibate and gay? That is, celibate as dictated, and as ‘understood’, by the catholic church.

 

It’s a bit like the old Belfast joke, whereby a stranger is accosted by paramilitaries in Belfast.

“Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Actually, I’m Jewish.”

“Yeah, but are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?”

Surely to be labelled as being ‘gay’, the labelee would have to be actually taking part in gay sex: that is, man-love, playing with willies, glazing the doughnut… and therefore very obviously not celibate.

But to confound my brain, I also heard on Radio Four the other day some catholic apologist insisting that he was sure most cardinals were ‘normal’. Normal?! Since when (don’t answer – I know when) has it been normal to dress in frocks, pontificate about a fairy tale sky-demon, get away with feeding your audience with cheap wafers and watered-down wine while pocketing their ‘donations’, be pervy enough to listen to people ‘confess’ their pervy stories while sitting in a little purpose-built pervy box, look up to the sky when invoking your fairy tale sky-demon… wherever you are on the planet, plus a whole bunch of other utterly ridiculous tripe… while also not having sex?!

Like so much other preposterous tosh, the catholic church invented one of the most laughable concepts that has ever been thunk of: celibacy. See, saying you’re celibate is like someone – with a perfectly good pair of eyes – saying they have decided not to see.

But they have eyes: eyes that see. It is simply not possible not to see if you have perfectly working eyes. Even if you shut them!

As well as eyes, catholic priests have sex organs that actually work, whether they say they’re celibate or not. All that sperm has got to go somewhere, or there’d be priests exploding all over the place. Allowing for those ‘fathers’ blessed with copious night emissions and the miniscule percentage without testicles, we must assume that most of the rest find some relief in giving the dolphin a back-rub. Which, when it comes down to it, is the ultimate man-love.

Ergo, all priests, cardinals, bishops and popes are gay.

And, according to a previous (p)article, so is everyone else.

Which means it’s about time we had a girlie pope.

Or no Catholics.