How to have a white Christmas

Decorating your home

The first thing you’ll need is a traditional Christmas tree, the scent of pine reminding you of how Baby Jesus’ spiritual home is really northern Europe (specifically, a modest island just off the coast).

However, we would not recommend the Norway model, as although it will give you access to your presents, you will have to pay for it.

Gifts

What could be more fun for the kids than a glove puppet? A Gove puppet!

Christmas dinner

Obviously we will all be feasting on a non-EU turkey, parsnips slow-roasted to a slightly rubbery consistency (in order to distinguish them from the potatoes) and miniature cabbages (not Brussels sprouts!).

Suggested tipple: Watney’s Red Barrel (or a sherry for the ladies).

Family Entertainment

Following Her Majesty the Queen’s speech on the soon-to-be-privatised BBC, perhaps a rousing rendition of Jingo Bells should get things off to a fine start. Family fun would be had with a spirited game of Kerplunk! (goes the economy), or maybe Trivial Pursuit (Little England edition).

Christmas Films

• A Country for Old Men – In which our fifty two year-old hero travels the country putting people in their place (and speaking for them), while drinking beer and smoking fags.
• It’s a Wonderful Life – A small bank defeats a larger bank and everybody wins. Especially the owners of the smaller bank. Every time a bell rings it’s a Ukip campaigner at your door.
• ELF – A small British oil company buys a big French oil company. The people win!
• White Christmas – ‘Nuff said.
• Trolls – An army of dedicated Kippers take on the ‘Remoaners’ and hurl perfectly targeted, crafted and researched corrections at them.